2. When you feel really angry

Doesn't anyone care?

13 April 2008

Ephesians 4:17-28

We continue our exploration of pastoral matters as we ask the question, “Doesn’t anyone care when you feel really angry?” The very word ‘anger’ makes you stop and think – and yet it is one of those aspects of our human experience which is part of life. Of course anger has many destructive forms and it can lead on to physical and emotional violence, deep depression and all kinds of related illnesses.

Not all anger is bad. It has been the way people have defended their rights, protected their freedoms at both an individual and communal level. Anger is all about energy and our challenge is to use the energy of anger in such a way that does not ultimately ruin all our relationships. At the same time, we recognise that anger which is pushed underground will always find its way to the surface again. Such hidden anger often reappears with greater force than ever and with more damaging consequences.

Text: Ephesians 4:26 –
“’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…”

These words come from part of Ephesians where the writer is dealing with the true nature of faith and life. Paul points to the fact that our life in Christ is refreshingly new. He seems to suggest that there will be anger in life – but that it does need to be the right kind of anger.

Whenever I am exploring a word, I invariably look at the alternatives and the definitions presented. When examining ‘anger’, I am offered alternatives like ‘rage, fury, wrath, ire, temper, gall, bile, spleen, pique, indignation, resentment, exasperation, petulance, vexation, irritation, annoyance, displeasure, umbrage, antagonism, animosity, hostility, hatred, enmity and acrimony.” What a collection of words! All the more important that we carefully understand what we read in Ephesians 4.

First of all, we need to recognise that this is an echo of Psalm 4:4: “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.” Stott, in his commentary on Ephesians, argues: “The verse recognises that there is such a thing as Christian anger and too few Christians either feel or express it. Indeed, when we fail to do so, we deny God, damage ourselves and encourage the spread of evil.”

In the biblical context, later in the passage, it is clear that anger is one of a number of unpleasant qualities which need to be jettisoned and the forgiveness of Christ embraced (4: 31-32). So there would appear to be two kinds of anger: what we might call ‘righteous’ and ‘unrighteous’. We must ensure that we get rid of one and allow the other to be so exercised that it is ‘without sin’ or ‘selfishness’.

Even the anger that Paul commends as righteous has three qualifications:

Do not sin.
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Do not give the devil a foothold.

Many of the concepts in the earlier catalogue of words relate to anger which would not be appropriate to the Christian way. Francis Foulkes translates a Hebrew verb in relation to the psalms as meaning basically ‘to tremble’ and goes on to suggest that righteous anger ‘is under perfect control’.

Jesus was familiar with anger

This is an important point to make. So many of our pictures of Jesus are ‘gentle’ and ‘kind’ and do not sit easily with this point. Our popular view of Jesus is that he would never be angry. This is, of course, contrary to the biblical account. Just consider for a moment:

His condemnation of the religious leaders. The language of Jesus concerning scribes and Pharisees is so strong, it is not inappropriate to call it anger.
His response to the request by the mother of James and John. Jesus was clearly irritated at the suggestion of the disciples’ mother regarding places of honour and position.
His visit to the Temple. All the gospel writers report the visit and his anger at how the Temple was used, preventing the poorer people from real worship.

If we can establish in our own minds the thought that Jesus was angry, then by definition and in view of all we know about him, his anger must be the anger that does not sin. On examination of the instances quoted, I can find three characteristics which are worthy of identification:

Not an anger which is self-focused.
Not an anger which is setting out to hurt others.
Not an anger which prevents him loving.

When we feel what we might call ‘righteous anger’, Jesus will understand. Like him, our anger will need to be, as Foulkes put it, ‘under perfect control’. This will mean anger which is not in any way related to provocation or wounded pride.

Francis Bacon used Paul’s words to the Ephesians as the basis of his words: “To seek to extinguish anger utterly is but a bravery of the Stoics. We have better oracles: ‘Be angry but sin not.’ ‘Let not the sun go down upon your wroth.’”

Had Paul learnt something from the humanity of Jesus? - because this section is really about the ‘new self’ (v.24). The new life of Christ, through the Holy Spirit, only becomes possible by voluntarily putting off the things that do not belong to him (v.25) and embracing a new beginning.

Anger requires appropriate expression

One of the most difficult aspects of anger is understanding the causes and reason for our anger. Our anger probably needs to be assertive, in that we actually identify the cause of our anger and do not dress it up as something else. Honesty as to the cause is important to articulate … to say it is ‘this’ and not to pretend it is an entirely different issue.

Anger will not fix itself … like a broken window or a dirty nappy. It requires attention. Being able to identify the causes of anger is at least the first step in discovering what is the cause of that inner-torment which is about to explode and fill all of life’s experiences in one way or another.

Prior to taking up my first ministerial placement, I trained full-time for Christian ministry and during the holidays, to make ends meet, I worked in a jeweller’s shop. I recall occasions when people would come into the shop – usually couples – and argue in a quite public way about a piece of jewellery – or that is how it appeared – because the anger being expressed was really about who makes decisions and allows their preferences to submit to another’s. There needs to be in our minds a clarification about the real cause of anger – and we will return to that in a moment.

Henry Ward Beecher in “Proverbs from a Plymouth Pulpit” said, “A person that does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good. A person that does not know how to be shaken to their heart’s core with indignation over things evil is either a fungus or a wicked person.”

All eyes in the grocery store were on the shopper at the checkout till. He was completely out of control. The veins appeared to be standing out on his neck. His face was blood-red. He screamed at the cashier at the top of his voice. He argued that he had been charged twice for an item. He demanded every item be re-checked. Eventually the manager arrived and every item was checked and there was no discrepancy!

He stormed out of the store and declared, “I will never come back to this place to shop again!” Those standing behind him said to themselves, “We hope not!” That is a good example of wrong anger – and even if a double charge had taken place, it would not have been appropriate anger!

Identification of the destructive forms of anger is important

Whilst Paul is pointing to an anger that may not be sinful, some forms of anger are clearly destructive. Anyone can rant and rave, without attempting to correct the wrong in a certain situation. We can, as the saying goes, curse the darkness without even thinking to light a candle.

Only by identifying the destructive forms of anger can we properly grasp the way of Jesus, so that we might be angry about the causes which really matter. Thinking through our own anger is one of the creative ways we can handle this difficult theme:

What am I angry about?
Is there something missing or lacking in me that is making me angry?
Am I really angry at this person – or am I mis-directing my anger?

Some of the most destructive forms of anger are quiet and devious and not at all an outburst – and cause more harm to ourselves than they ever to do others. This is the kind of thought which Augustine of Hippo hinted at in one of his sermons, when he said, “The dove loses when it quarrels; the wolf hates when it flatters.”

The destructive effect of anger in the person who is angry has not been given the attention it ought to receive … an outburst, whilst not perfect and often difficult to handle, is better than an internal build-up!

There is a technical matter in relation to New Testament Greek which is worthy of attention. Ralph P Martin explains it best: “… the imperative mood expresses not only a command but also a requirement or a concession. So the meaning is … if you can’t help it, but do not sin thereby.”

The intention is that anger does not become an obsession which is nurtured and nursed to the point of fixation.

I have met people in the course of my ministry who are nursing hurt and caressing anger to the detriment of their own health. You only have to mention a name in their presence, or recall a situation, and they are inflamed with bitterness and anger. Such a person needs to bring their pain to God.

A married partner was once heard to say, “When I have an argument with my spouse, it more often than not moves beyond the hysterical to the historical!”

I like the story of a person who had a colleague unload all of his anger upon him. As they walked out of the store, his friend said, “Why didn’t you zap him back?” He replied graciously, “Friend, I have learned not to allow the behaviour of others to determine my own behaviour.”

Clarification of the real causes of anger is essential

Let me return to Jesus at the Temple. People were abusing the Temple by the selling of animals and making a profit out of religion, at the expense of the poor. Jesus called it ‘a den of thieves’ – so there and then he responded … and people wanted to escape the blazing eyes of Jesus.

There are some causes worth getting angry about, for example when people are used and abused, when injustice is practiced, and when people are ignored and their rights denied. As at the Temple, you can scratch under the surface and find a real cause for the anger – which is to do with how people are denied or how God’s glory is forgotten:

There is a selflessness about the cause of righteous anger.
Such anger can be expressed so as to improve the situation concerned.
Such anger will not be uncontrolled, but actually within clearly defined parameters of concern.

History is full of examples of those who cared enough to be angry at the right time. Moses was angry at the enslavement of his people. John the Baptist was angry at the distortion of religion by the Jewish leaders. Luther was angry at the corruption of the established church. There were those who were angry at slavery – and so on … Anger can be because we care!

Finding appropriate degrees of anger is the key to Pastoral help

Some people, when angry, withdraw and walk away from a situation. This might be appropriate if to stay would cause an undue violent reaction, but if pushed back it can cause even greater hurt.

The late Charles Allen once said, “You can tell the size of a person by the size of the thing that makes them angry. When someone says, ‘I never get angry’, test their pulse to see if they are still alive.”

It was Aristotle who developed the thought that “Anybody can become angry – that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and it is not easy.”

The ‘appropriate degrees’ approach is a most helpful way of dealing with anger. To move from the first stirring of anger to the outward expression of anger, without any in-between steps, is dangerous. Those steps might be:

An identification of the causes of my anger.
A clear understanding of the steps of my response.
The raising of the matter with those concerned.
The clarification of being heard by those concerned.

What matters is that we are able to express our anger responsibly. Dr Rosemary Clarke wrote about a formula to express anger, which was honest, direct and non-hostile. She concluded a paper by saying, “When you think about it, dealing with anger in this way is really following the Golden Rule: treat others as you would like to be treated.”

The more heated the disagreement in life, the more our inner-steamtank threatens to explode. Clyde Murdock tells the story of a Quaker who owned an awkward cow. Every time he milked her, it was a clash of two wills. This particular morning, she was unusually irritable, but he was determined to endure the session without so much as a cross word.

As the farmer began to milk her, she stepped on his foot with all her weight. He struggled silently, groaned a little under his breath, pulled his foot free, and sat back down on the stool. She then swished her tail in his face like a long string whip. He merely leaned away so it wouldn’t be able to reach him. Next she kicked over the bucket, by then half-full of warm milk. He started over, mumbling a few words to himself; but he never lost his cool.

Once finished with the ordeal, he breathed a sigh of relief, picked up the bucket and stool and, as he was leaving, she hauled off and kicked him against the barn wall, twelve to fifteen feet away. That did it. He stood to his feet and marched in front of his cow, stared into those big eyes and, as he shook a long boney finger in her face, he shouted, “Thou dost know I am a Quaker. Thou dost know that I cannot strike thee back … but I can sell thee to a Presbyterian!”

Anger is very much part of our life experience. It is part of what it means to be a human being, but what the Apostle Paul is driving at in this text – “In your anger do not sin” – is that there is a way under the power of Jesus Christ to allow it not to destroy our lives.

Expressing anger doesn’t have to be blaming, attacking or destructive in its intent or for that matter its effect. We most often get angry with those we love and care about. It says we care enough about each other to want relationships healed and to continue in our love. Alfred Lord Tennyson declared, “The happiness of a man in this life dos not consist in the absence, but in the mastery, of his passions.”

So Paul rather helpfully recognises the normative nature of anger, but says there is a Christian response which makes all the difference: “In your anger do not sin.”

Christian Life