4. When you have to survive a crisis or tragedy

Doesn't anyone care?

4 May 2008

2 Thessalonians 2: 13-17

I am continuing to ask, ‘Doesn’t anyone care?’ and yet tonight ask that question in relation to surviving a crisis or tragedy. I want you to notice that I ask the question quite specifically in relation to surviving the experience. At the time of a crisis, there are usually a number of people willing to help, but it is quite different as the days pass; the pain remains, but many expect us then to dust ourselves down and to get on with life again. Every loss creates a unique pain, which is known only to those who survive and have to face the future, often alone. But the sudden and instant loss that is experienced through crisis or tragedy is the most difficult to deal with and heart-breaking to survive.

Let us also say by way of introduction that many of us will have to cope with a situation of this kind at some point in our lives. It is interesting to observe how people actually deal with tragedy. I suppose it would depend upon the type of incident – some of the impacts of terrorism, such as took place in Bali, produce a great outpouring of communal identity in the tragedy – but, when a tragedy happens in our individual lives, that shared identity does not exist.

Once again I turn to the words of St Paul, this time written to Thessalonian Christians, encouraging them to stand firm:

Text: 2 Thessalonians 2: 16-17 -

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.”

Thessalonica was located on the Egnatian Road, which was the great highway linking East and West. In the days when Paul wrote his New Testament letters, it was a strategic converging point of culture and commerce. Arnold Airhart writes, “In world trade, in Hellenistic culture, in Roman government, in Jewish influence and subsequently in Christian missionary strategy, it was a key centre.”

Paul had Silas and Timothy with him when he wrote his second letter (1:1). The letter would appear to have been written from Corinth within a matter of weeks of the first letter having been sent. It would seem that between the two there had been a response from the Christian community at Thessalonica. In the first letter, Paul was addressing issues of moral concern and slanderous attitudes towards himself. It also becomes clear that these have now been dealt with (see 1:3 and 3:4).

What seems to lie behind this epistle is a continuing misunderstanding about the Second Coming. Paul was being represented as teaching something which he vigorously denied (2:1-3) and, in the course of this, we find some inspiration to encourage people in difficult circumstances – and this is our starting point in thinking about how we survive a crisis or tragedy.

These are surely words of encouragement to any Christian. We are told to “stand firm” and “hold” in verse 15 – strong reminders to remain true and not to waver. We are to have confidence in Christ. These aspects are so very important in our relationship with God when we hit such times of real challenge.

This encouragement to stand firm was written to a community that was undergoing persecution. Standing firm is not being idle; it is having an actively positive attitude to the circumstances being faced. So when you face a crisis or tragedy and you know you need to survive, let me offer four practical pieces of advice:

Give yourself time to experience the moment - however painful

When a crisis or tragedy strikes, it feels as though the world has fallen apart, but somehow you know that life must go on. In looking to the future, it is hard to imagine how you will ever get through the succession of joyless days that seem to line the pathway ahead of you.

Let me unpack this first point by saying that I am not suggesting we should unduly mope about in sorrow, hurt or crisis – but there needs to be time to take in what is happening, however difficult that is. Only by giving ourselves space can we really receive the strength and peace that God offers to us at such moments in our lives.

When I think of these experiences, I have a mental picture of all those I have known who have dealt with the death of a loved one, the painful loss of a career, a separation and divorce, an injury that ruins a career, a bankruptcy, some terrible unwanted news. Now, you may never have faced any of these situations, but I am certain it is important to be prepared and to have coping strategies to which you can turn in time of need.

Crises are filled with danger because they disrupt life and threaten to overwhelm the people affected. When I was part of a town centre ministry in Wales, I helped to put together an emergency response from church leaders who might be presented with a crisis situation within the town. It was clear that such an event or happening would raise issues that would not normally appear in pastoral life – or at least not to the same degree, namely total confusion and bewilderment. Very often this requires crisis intervention which is temporary - and emotional first aid for those in trauma.

It has often been said that the Chinese word for ‘crisis’ involves two characters: One means ‘danger’ and the other means ‘opportunity’. The latter is sometimes difficult to see when presented with the former. However, by giving ourselves time, it is possible to at least scratch at an understanding of the relationship between the two.

It is important to:-

be aware that we are not functioning properly.
recognise the high level of anxiety and insecurity.
anticipate the change in our behaviour.
be willing to receive help and strength from others.
not expect too much of ourselves.

If Jesus can know what it is to experience grief, loss and concern at the pain of his friends, there is nothing that can ultimately destroy us in our experiencing such pain. In doing so, we will need the space and time to come to terms with crisis and tragedy.

In a crisis we often experience a kind of sinking feeling and we wonder if we are ever going to emerge again or survive. I would not be surprised if there are a number within earshot of my voice who have been through such experiences themselves.

If we are seeking to help someone in a time of crisis, then the last thing that is required is either –

an impression given that we have no time available for the person in need, or
a superior ‘pull yourself together’ attitude.

The circumstances of loss and grief will influence the way people react – and this is especially true following an untimely death. Platitudes such as ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘Only the good die young’ are no consolation to a grieving parent, a young widow or a surviving passenger following a car accident.

Being aware of how we will seek to speak to people in need will help us to recognise how easy it is to respond in an unhelpful way. Some of the most difficult pastoral moments that I have faced have been when I have had to break awful and distressing news to people I deeply valued – and it leaves a mark upon you. I have also found it necessary to abandon everything for a while after such a moment for the sake of the person to whom I was breaking the news – and for my own sake.

Be open to the help of friends

Friendship is a gift in life and it is my view that we only have a small number of these special relationships. Friends may have the capacity to help us in our crisis, but it also needs to be said, particularly in the case of crisis and tragedy, that it is likely they too will be affected by the event. A friend is a person who you feel you really know – and who knows you – and you need such people when you are suffering.

Being open to the help of friends is possible because you know you don’t need to put on a front or false face – because they love us, they give us permission to share our pain and to tell the story. When Paul was writing to the Thessalonian Christians, he did not deny the difficult circumstances they had to face, but he encouraged them in how they might be able to take heart and draw upon the power of their faith through Jesus Christ.

We have no better friend than those who –

are able to feel our pain with us (in so far as they are able).
point us in the way of confidence and hope.
walk with us on our journey.

When we are helping a friend who comes to us with the question “Doesn’t anyone care?” we will need an understanding spirit on our part. In a crisis we need to recognise –

confusing facts and messages can be present.
there will be many things which we will not be able to do.
we do not have to know the answer to everything.

In facing a crisis or tragedy we are often being helped or helping others in situations which are extremely subjective. This is inevitable and I don’t see any way of avoiding it, but at least some self-understanding is important if we are in any way to be supported – or to offer help.

When helping others we must be careful that we do not see expressions of grief as ‘improper’ or ‘a sign of falling apart’. Tears, rage and anguish are often ways of dispelling pain and can help a great deal in the promotion of real and enduring healing.

It is amazing that a word spoken at the right time, even a simple sentence in a meaningful card, can make all the difference. Joyce Rupp quotes the words: “Sometimes the slightest things clearly change the direction of our lives, the merest breath of circumstance, a random thought that connects like a meteorite striking the earth. Lives have survived and changed direction on the strength of a chance remark.”

All the traditional aspects of the journey through grief and bereavement invariably appear in a crisis or tragedy, but sometimes they emerge far more quickly and not necessarily in a chronological pattern.

Cultivate hope in Christ now!

The friendship, spiritual resources and confidence of faith should not be learnt at the time of a crisis or tragedy, but nurtured when times are good. The way the early Christian churches faced their crises was through the strength of character which they developed through faith in Jesus Christ and a quality of Christian growth in smooth times.

Norman Cousins describes the will to live as “the ignition system to the motor that turns on the voltage and sets the stage for progress.” It is by developing trust and living within the confident hope of Jesus whilst we have no tragedy and when the circumstances are smooth that we will be best equipped to be able to face tragedy when it knocks upon our door.

O S Marden wrote these words, “There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.” For the Christian, no matter how dark the night, how dismal the tragedy, there is light and hope – but it is best to be confident of that now, rather than trying to scratch around for it in the midst of the darkness.

We can help ourselves in situations of crisis and tragedy by preparing while things are ordered and life is going well for us. We can –

prepare by considering what our response might be in a time of crisis.
think through how we understand the love of God in relation to the difficult experiences of life.
anticipate the fact that, at some point in our lives, we may have to face a crisis of this kind.
cultivate the kind of spiritual priorities and life that provides devotional and pastoral support.

When I think back over thirty years of ministry, I have in my mind a church where twenty members were killed in a coach accident. They were all members of a Women’s Fellowship in a very small church … and there were so many widowers in that village. I think of the church where a dozen young people were killed in a minibus accident – and I also think of the woman whose brother was murdered. Admittedly these things don’t happen every day – nevertheless they do happen!

A proper Christian view of life and death is based upon the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. All kinds of mixed-up ideas can emerge in a crisis … from contact with the departed, reincarnation and, worst of all, what I call the ‘harps and cloud’ concept which can too easily trivialise the really important issues.

In helping others, we want to care as we would hope to be cared for – by someone willing to provide appropriate support. We certainly wouldn’t want a religious fanatic, a judgmental friend, or for that matter a sentimental dreamer.

We would want a person who –

gave all the signals that they were willing to listen.
was able to talk when needed.
was realistic about the pain and hurt being experienced.
was able to help within the conscious recognition of faith in Jesus Christ.

Learn to let go of the past

As we know, there is a time to grieve, but there does come a time to let go and move on in life. The letting go of the past is a sure and certain sign that God’s healing is taking place.

I remember making a pastoral call to a home where, two years earlier, I had prepared the family for a funeral I was to conduct. The house was filled with reminders of the person who had died – in fact some of it was, sadly, more like a shrine. We must not dispense with all reminders, but we do have to move on.

Coming to terms with tragedy and grief doesn’t mean we will forget our loved ones. In one sense, they will always be part of our lives – but we have to continue to live the rest of our lives. Take hope through your faith in Jesus Christ, knowing that whatever you have to journey through, you can come to a place where you will be able to look back – not with pain, but with real gratitude for those we have loved – and continue to love.

Because we are talking about crisis and tragedy, there are more unanswered questions than in a normal experience of grief. This makes it difficult to let go – but it is so important to do so. If we find ourselves unable to accept our loss, long after the incident, professional help may be needed:

Specific Christian pastoral support.
Counsellors – objective and caring support.
Support groups – people making the same journey.

People who have been through some of the most difficult experiences can become an enormous help to others. As God has helped us, so we can help others. “… who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)

In any crisis which involves grief, there are aspects which have to be acknowledged –

The social – relationships with others.
The physical – grief affects our bodies as well as our emotions.
The psychological – our feelings and state of mind.

It is important not to become prescriptive. This kind of thing surfaces when people say “After the funeral things will get better”, when in point of fact things often get worse – or “Everything comes together after a year”. How many people have testified that the second year after loss is worse than the first?

Elizabeth Kubler Ross helped to define the stages of grief and acknowledged that ‘acceptance’ is the last and most important part of the journey. But the truth is that many people get stuck as they move through the different stages of grief.

Caryll Houselander wrote these words:

God will enter into your night,
as the ray of the sun enters
into the dark, hard earth,
driving right down
to the roots of the tree,
and there, unseen, unknown,
unfelt in the darkness,
filling the tree with life,
a sap of fire
will suddenly break out,
high above that darkness,
into living leaf and flame.

It is hard to imagine in the midst of a crisis that we will ever recover. But so many people do – and somehow, by their witness, they enhance our common humanity. They love, they touch other people’s lives and help us to know that someone really does care. It is in that context that we hear the words of the Apostle, reminding us of the love of God … and his blessing is appropriate to conclude these words:

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.”

Christian Life